Mental Illness: 1 Willpower: 0

It was the last round of the fight; my face was bloody, my hands were shaking, my right eye had long been swollen shut, and my left eye was blinking rapidly to keep the blood from the blow to my head from obscuring my vision. I raised my fists, my knuckles bleeding and covered in bruises, for one last time. I took hit after hit, swiftly falling to my knees, my arms over my head acting as a shield as I finally succumbed, curling myself into a ball on the floor and accepting the punches as they came; I had no fight left in me.
This is how I feel after a particularly rough go of trying to fight my mental illnesses.

2 years ago, I was diagnosed with Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and my life hasn't been the same since. See, before, I had a feeling that there was something more going on with me, but I didn't know what, and I didn't know how to cope with it. This often resulted in me getting frustrated easily and letting it out on those closest to me. Many harsh words, ungrateful attitudes, and unnecessary fights came about a result of the pain I was feeling but didn't know how to process.
My mental illnesses can lead to me being easily overwhelmed by even simple tasks, being over-sensitive, crying easily, and wanting to retreat from the world in fear. It means wrestling with my inner demons telling me I'm not good enough, no one likes me, that I will always be on the losing side, I'm too awkward, too weird, too loud, too talkative, too messy, too emotional, open, scared, and inexperienced, too imperfect to be truly loved by anyone, including myself. Many times, I feel as though I'm simply faking my way through this thing we call life while everyone else seems to have it together.  
I do have days, however, when I am genuinely happy, when I have energy and feel as though I can do anything I put my mind to and I'm able to forget that I have depression or anxiety. I love those days. I have also come to fear those days, because I know that when the depression or anxiety does decide to rear its ugly head again, it will be that much worse.
But lately, I've come to realize I wouldn't have such an appreciation and gratitude for my good days without the bad. I wouldn't have as much compassion, empathy, understanding, and yearning to learn more and help without my bad days.

I am still looking for the magic key that will open the door to my mind that allows it to be free from all this destruction. But until then, I will keep doing what I can. I will keep fighting the negative thoughts that rage through my mind, replacing them with more positive, healthy thoughts. I will remember my good days when in the midst of my bad, and the promise my Savior gave me 2 years ago on that fateful day my world changed; that if He could pull me out of this, there is nothing He can not help me through. So with that in mind, I keep on keeping on.
I place one foot in front of me, stand up, and raise my well-weathered fists as I stare my inner demons in the eye and smile; I still have some fight left in me, after all.